how to think and feel in a world that's forgotten depth
emotions are not illegal
hi, hello, it’s been a while.
since my last post, i published (another) book! i’m nearly finished yet one more as we speak but today i felt the need to take some time “off” that sort of writing and pivot for 24 hours into a place of thinking and feeling my own emotions in their true essence instead of the way i typically inject them into my characters.
this morning i woke up with a feeling of existential grief that has been plaguing me most of the day. i used to try and futilely fight this feeling and that only left me exhausted and anxious and depressed and would let the emotions linger for six months or more until they completely consumed me. i would wallow in them and do nothing productive to move through them because every day i would “fight” and every day, they’d fight back, and they would win.
you can only run from your own soul for so long, you know.
this morning didn’t start out any differently than it had in the past when these ghosts of grief would creep upon me. i tried to get down to work but writing requires deep concentration and immersion into a world that doesn’t exist except in your mind (and soul, perhaps) and if your emotions are here, in this body, this moment, it can sometimes be impossible to set that aside and feel into the fictional world you need to inhabit to get a book done.
i recognized i wouldn’t be able to fight off the emotions, so i worked out. walking, weights, core work. i was a sweaty mess at the end and decided i’d take a shower, then record a podcast episode that i might never publish just to get down what i’m feeling. a diary but without the repetitive nature of writing—a thing i was already having a difficult time doing. audio thoughts that maybe would stay for me.
they didn’t end up being just for me and i wasn’t able to shower before i needed to sit down and deal with them. my latest podcast episode (search “speak by kali” on any podcast player) is on the continual culture wars i see play out on social media where we inevitably act just like the people we claim to hate. an online homicide, i called it. a virtual murder where we attempt to “cancel” people but what we really want is for them to die.
it’s not a scripted episode and i cite no studies. it’s my own thoughts and feelings and that brings me here, to this post.
do we remember how to sit with our feelings?
do we recall how to think without reaching out…
for our phone, a reddit thread, a chatgpt search, a group chat, a reel, a tiktok? when is the last time you sat in absolute silence with no external stimuli and simply thought and felt? when is the last time you allowed yourself to weep without justification or logic or brushing it all aside because you don’t have time for it (but you easily log six hours of screen time in a day)?
we treat emotions as an inconvenience at best and a lag to productivity at worst. it’s making us all a little less like humans and a lot more like machines. we are becoming the artificial intelligence in our own methodic scheduling, planning, dissociation from soul, and lack of interest in anything that cannot be counted or studied within an inch of its life.
for a long time, i avoided my own feelings and emotions for the sake of survival. if you have ever experienced life-threatening stress (abuse, lack of food or resources, isolation, continual panic, etc), then you know precisely what i’m talking about. there are in fact times when we must push aside how we feel and any thoughts on the matter in order to survive.
but once the threat has passed, we often continue on in this manner: ignoring our feelings because we spent so much time batting them aside for the sake of choosing life. we have rewired our souls into indifference in the name of survival. undoing this mechanism, allowing our emotions to flow once more, is not easy. it is nothing like flipping a switch.
it is unraveling what it is that has kept us safe all this time, and that is not a simple task.
couple all of this with the way our society currently runs: we have endless opportunities to avoid our inner turmoil by a simple flick of our finger. we can get swept up in someone else’s problems, the latest fashion fads, the most salacious gossip, the prettiest people, the current it book, a new way to do our makeup or make a million dollars, all by picking up our phones, which, of course, we never let get out of sight for more than a heartbeat. in a blink, we can escape, numb ourselves with our digital pacifiers, and by the time we look up and re-enter reality, we’ve successfully (momentarily) staved off those irritating emotions that are eating us alive deep within our bones for another day.
this leads us to rot.
it may take a while. perhaps it happens slowly, over the course of years. maybe it happens in a shorter time frame. perhaps it manifests as anxiety, depression, insomnia, a disconnection from those close to us. eventually, however, we will realize we no longer know how to manage our emotions and we will either breakdown, or spend most of our lives alone. humans crave connection. if you give them emptiness, they will recoil.
so how do we, in this current world, let ourselves sit with feeling and thinking and everything else that goes along with such “bothersome” acts?
get comfortable with silence. maybe you hate meditation. that’s fine. meditation, if done correctly, is not meant to focus on thoughts and emotions anyway, so it’s not the proper act for what we’re trying to do. but sitting alone, in the quiet, without running - and meditation can be a form of running if you’re not careful - is a necessary step. you will be surprised to find how hard this can be if you are not used to it. no phone, only a timer (if your phone is your timer, come with self-control). aim for ten minutes a day of feeling. you can keep your eyes open, you can close them. ask yourself how you feel, and don’t course correct.
when you find yourself in an anxiety loop of checking and closing the same apps over and over on your phone, recognize this moment as one of emotion. instead of consuming, you should be expressing. this does not mean you need to grab a pen and paper necessarily (but it could). it does not mean you need to hop on the treadmill and walk five miles at a ten percent incline. no. we’re trying to do the opposite of distraction. we are trying to sink into the discomfort. let yourself be anxious with no phone, no movement. the “expressing” in this case is the feeling. cry if you need to, rage to yourself if you must, but let it happen. let it burst, and don’t cram another influencer down your throat to choke on until the moment has passed.
if someone who cares deeply for you asks you how you are, give yourself permission to not answer “fine.” you may worry you will burden this person with your emotionality. but since when did genuine relationship become a burden? the shallow will drown us. sure, maybe tell the person you’d love to talk, that it’s very heavy, and understand if “now” isn’t the right time. but give them the chance to be there for you, knowing you will return this favor. or call someone you know will pick up and make time for you if they have it. we have all grown used to isolating and dealing alone, or by oversharing with strangers on the internet (i highly advise against this; i can post on this if necessary). seek better hugs. throw yourself into wanting arms.
read a book on the topic you are dealing with. not shallow self-help, but in-depth analysis and rigor from someone who has either a) experienced what you have (preferable) or b) studies the experience extensively (less preferable, but better than dude bro podcasts that tell you to get up at five am to solve all of your problems). dive deep. work through your feelings and thoughts alongside your reading. annotate. write in your journal about it. make connections to your own life. press onward, even if it takes weeks or months to get through the work. this is the very essence of depth.
listen to, watch, or read the art you have been avoiding because it brings up too much emotion for you. do not drown yourself in darkness. if it is truly triggering and you have real panic attacks to the medium, now is not the time for this one. but if you have been doing any of the above, spending time in your emotions, welcoming your feelings — especially the less-than-happy ones — then it might be time to see how far you’ve come. i was surprised recently to listen to a playlist of a book i wrote that once destroyed my soul and i felt nothing but mild sadness. previously, this playlist would absolutely decimate me. now, i have dealt with the emotions enough that, while not perfectly healed (we never are), i am able to consume the media once more without falling apart.
and lastly, sometimes we do need to push off the emotion. sometimes we do need the numbness to survive. to get through. to wake up and get out of bed each morning.
that’s okay.
but don’t make it your life.
xx
kali